We see you resolutionaries out walking/biking/running in celebration of the new year. We admire your pluck and sincerely hope you are successful this time, whether your priority is losing weight, toning up or lapping us on the turn. It is with that thought in mind that I am moved to offer the tiniest slivers of wisdom to a select few of you who are so clearly annoyed by the presence of someone walking a dog; a dog by the way, who would totally love to tag you on the heel as you trot by us but who chooses not to.
Here goes:
1. We were here first and we will be here long after you have given up.
2. We regularly collect your empty water bottles & your power bar wrappers and place them in the trash bins much like your mother must have done for you far into your twenties.
3. When you slam past us at top speed on your new $2000. bicycle, it scares the crap out of both of us. The first time, it's fine, I understand, perhaps you didn't know. The third time you do it - you should understand that I'm fantasizing about beating you senseless with your own bicycle pump. I'm not sure what Stella has in mind but I assume it's some action of equal or greater value.
4. My dog is not on Valium. When your child charges us on a Big Wheel you should expect a reaction that doesn't include fairy dust or butterflies.
5. Finally, I understand that you are on a mission. Your aim is to reduce stress, not create it. Therefore, I respectfully submit that you not spend your time making open fun of Stella's winter coat lest I remind you that your new walking/biking/running ensemble makes you an athlete in much the same way my cowboy boots make me a cowboy.
To the rest of you: It's great to have a little company in these long winter months. Hang in there, we wish you all the best!
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